Another month has just flown right on by us. It’s been full of crises in many arenas: weather, politics, economics, health and more. Still, we are learning and utilizing skills that enable us to have healthier relationships that help us work through the crises. This month’s newsletter includes an exercise to practice a relationship skill as well as our regular columns. Please write and let us know how you have benefited from the items we are sharing with you.
Victorious relationships using validation language
Often it seems that we can more quickly and easily see the faults in others than we can recognize their good points. As couples, this tendency to find fault or complain will cause pain, disappointment, frustration and resignation. The following activity helps couples to utilize Validation Language indicating that “I value you, you are worthwhile.” An eastern saint, Bhaktivedanta Swami said, “we should be like the bees that go after the honey, not like the flies who go after the mess”.
When we use Validation Language, we pursue the honey, when we condemn, criticize and overly complain we go after the mess. In this exercise, couples will practice using Validation Language with one another. Each spouse should choose one of the following:
I respect I applaud
I admire I appreciate
I cherish I like
I delight I love
I celebrate I relish
I honor I accept
Set aside a few minutes every day — morning, afternoon or night and let your spouse know that you validate him or her. From your heart, tell your spouse one quality or one characteristic about them that you can utilize to finish the above phrases. Then ask them to do the same.
Here’s an example: (Husband to wife): “I admire how you are so considerate when I come home from work and I’m exhausted or disappointed from the job. You give me time to unwind and to adjust.”
Couples should endeavor to practice at least one validating statement each day. For some, it may be a little awkward, however with sincere commitment to practice, validation language, which is actually devotional language, can become a regular part of our lives. Validation language works well in all interactions—between parent and child, employer and employee, between siblings, etc. It’s a simple yet profound communication technique that will enhance any relationship.
Dear Relationship Coach,
“I really loved my husband at the beginning of our marriage, now, however, so much of the attraction and appeal seems to have faded. We’ve been married for nine years. I am in the marriage for the duration (and he says he is too) but I wonder if we can have a deeper, more vibrant relationship.” Wondering
Dear Wondering,
You Can! The hustle and bustle of life, bills, children, monotony, house repairs, disagreements and more, can wear away the thrill, and the newness of a relationship can fade inevitably like the heartbreakingly beautiful sunset that just has to leave us.
It is very commendable that both you and your husband are so committed to honoring your marriage vows. Please know that all relationships have peaks and valleys and the important thing to know that “this too shall pass”. We highly recommend that you and your husband go together to see the movies Fireproof and Why Did I Get Married? These two movies provide a perspective that is simultaneously realistic and inspiring, depicting marriages that can get very complicated or become quite complacent. Also, try to implement the exercise in this month’s newsletter (Validation Language) on a daily basis with your husband. You will be pleasantly surprised how such a simple technique will put a little flavor back into your relationship.
Do you and your husband date? Don’t laugh at this. Having a weekly or biweekly time when the two of you get together to go for a walk, go to a movie, give each other massages, play a game or read together is very, very important.
Finally, seek out workshops that will help you to improve communication with your spouse, assist you in setting some couple goals and making time for each other again.
Sincerely,
Your Relationship Coach
What’s Happening at DZFI ?
* Cleveland’s First Hispanic Marriage Day! A wonderful collaboration of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, Hispanic UMADAOP, and Cuyahoga County’s Strong Start program, with support from the Spanish American Committee, is coordinating the first ever Hispanic Marriage Day in Cleveland, OH. Five Hispanic Couples will be inaugurated into the Cleveland Hispanic Hall of Fame, many other couples will reaffirm their marriage commitment in a beautiful celebration including entertainment, food and a keynote address by Luis & Edith Vazquez. This event, free and open to the public, will take place in a beautiful setting, the Saigon Plaza, 5400 Detroit Avenue, Cleveland, OH on Sunday October 12, 2008 from 3-6 p.m. (Some readers may remember that Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute coordinated the First Black Marriage Day in Cleveland in March, 2008).
* SELF (Singles Evaluating Life and Family) Healthy Relationship Course© will be offered in the Spring of 2009 in the greater Cleveland, Ohio area. Only a select group of individuals will be accepted for this in-depth, interactive and comprehensive training course. This Self Healthy Relationship Course© will prepare unmarried individuals for healthy relationships. For registration details, contact Ms. K. Dasi at 216-321-0930 or request registration information at contact@dzfi.org.
