A healthy marriage, with husband and wife committed to loving cooperation will likely produce children who are healthy and happy.  A healthy well-adjusted child is more likely to make a healthy, balanced spouse.

Unfortunately, many of us walk around with emotional wounds, scars and hidden vulnerabilities, the residue of fall-out from divorce or dysfunctional families.  Somewhere along the way, feelings of inadequacy, fear of intimacy, rejection, shame, and a host of other conscious or unconscious motivations prevent us from having compassionate, caring relationships because of the baggage we bring to our relationships from our families of origin.

Being a parent is a serious responsibility; the responsibility to nurture, feed, clothe, doctor, educate, shelter, identify talents (and nourish them) and connect with our children so that they know they are lovable and capable, is a demanding, full-time, plus overtime job which many parents have to juggle while holding down other full-time (and sometimes part-time) jobs.  These days this tremendous responsibility often falls into the lap of a single parent, grandparent or some other caregiver.  “I frequently feel alone and angry when trying to raise my two sons,”  a client recently told us,   “How could their father just walk away, ignore his responsibility to them?  Sure he gives me money.  But anyone knows that it takes more than money to care for a child.”   She added, “I worry that they may not realize what being a man means.”
Since the family is the microcosm of the larger society, we see society is in distress because families are distressed.  Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute is committed to building strong marriages and strong families through its educational, best practices courses, workshops, books and one on one services.

Over the past few years, many people have approached the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute about presenting a healthy relationship course for singles. Ideally, two parents in a healthy marriage form a family that fortifies the children.  We think that families can again become that strong start for children, especially if individuals who make the babies get the important relationship skills beforehand as well a wholesome view of them selves and their part in God’s creation.  We have practically observed that there is a great necessity for preparing individuals for healthy marriages and other healthy relationships, primarily because of the above-mentioned factors.

Necessity, giving birth to invention, prompted us to create a comprehensive course, the S.E.L.F. (Singles Evaluating Life and Family)Healthy Relationship Course© to
•    help individuals evaluate and/or release some of the painful or unhealthy baggage they carry into their relationships,
•    help  identify the meaning of manhood and womanhood,
•    empower them with the  skills needed to build healthy, satisfying relationships,
•    assist in developing personal goals and more.

This in-depth, interactive course, will be conducted for 2 hours per week for 10 weeks.  The S.E.L.F. Healthy Relationship course will begin in the Spring of 2009 in the greater Cleveland, Ohio area.   Spaces are filled on a first registered, first served basis.  To register, email us at contact@dzfi.org.    For those not in the Cleveland area, we are willing to come to your church or agency and present the course.  Contact DZFI for details.
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Dear Relationship Coach,
I am seriously considering marriage to a man who has three children.  I have two.  The mother of his two oldest children has custody of them and frequently makes demands on his time and money (over and above the amount he pays for child support).  His mother has custody of his youngest child (by another woman), and she would like him to get this child when/if he marries.  He’s a decent, hard-working man and seems to
be a really good father and concerned about his children.  Do you think we will be able to make it?

I respect your opinion,
Uncertain

Dear Uncertain
You didn’t mention the ages of the children nor your relationship with your children’s father.   These are important considerations.

Blended families can and do work;  however, there should be realistic expectations, understanding and agreement before you get married.  Seek out a marriage/family educator or coach who can help you identify some of the challenges and strengths in your relationship and can help you understand the steps/stages in blending a stepfamily.

Successfully integrating two families takes patience, kindness and skill. Generally, it takes several years for a family to really blend and the non-biological parent should carefully nurture a relationship with his/her stepchildren, bonding through shared fun and or educational family activities and outings.

A skilled Marriage/Family Educator can help you create similar rules and routines for same or similar age stepchildren. He or she can also help you with the very important consideration of discipline.  In the first few months, discipline should come through the biological parent with support and agreement from the other parent. Husband and wife should really communicate and be on the same page in this area.  The Marriage/Family Educator can help you identify resources which can support your marriage.

Additionally, we suggest that you and your fiancé go to your local library and read some of the very good books about stepfamilies or blended families and step parenting.  The work you do before you get married is an investment that will pay off in the long run.

Sincerely,
Your Relationship Coach
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What’s Happening at DZFI?

On December 28, 2008, at the 2nd Annual Nguzo Saba Awards, a gala ceremony held at the historic Cory Methodist Church in Cleveland, Ohio, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute Co-Directors Tariq Saleem Ziyad and Krsnanandini Devi Dasi were pleasantly surprised to receive the Umoja (Unity) Award for the services they present to exemplify unity in families and in the community.  One of 25 nominees, The Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute Co-Directors accepted the award with heightened inspiration to keep serving and sharing by presenting relationship education and empowering youth in all arenas.

Not too long ago, we were talking about family matters, a friend, my husband (Tariq), and I.  Our friend is divorced and has raised some intelligent, thoughtful, children.  Her parenting and relationship experiences, fine-tuned and paid for (most recently) with the intentional sacrifice of another intimate relationship, are helpful to many others in her circle of friends and family.  She had deliberately postponed another intimate relationship (marriage), waiting until her children were grown up. In the interim, she has attended workshops, took classes and earnestly sought to improve her relationship skills.

Now the two youngest children were over 18  and she was ready to prepare for a lasting marriage.  Suddenly, she leaned forward and said, “Krsnanandini and Tariq, I am looking for three things in a mate: “Chemistry, character and commitment”.   We commended her for this succinct yet apt description of some very universal, very basic relationship requirements.   Last month, we discussed the law of relationship order, which highlights the process of meeting someone, and the sequential stages involved in developing a healthy relationship.  This month, our newsletter showcases these three concepts, chemistry, character and commitment, in the context of identifying a person with whom you choose to begin the relationship process in the first place.

For most of us, marriage is a social, religious or community institution where two people, preferably with the blessings of their family and community, agree that they will live peacefully and cooperatively together to love and nurture each other, their children, their families and their communities.

So how will such an important, long-term relationship be decided? Who will you choose?   Culture, education, family and so many things must be considered.  All of these factors can come under the heading of Chemistry, character and commitment.

Chemistry is significant because it frequently demonstrates a physical and/or mental compatibility and attraction.  This is often the way nature allows us to be drawn to a possible mate in the first place.

Character covers a lot of territory including family and cultural background, integrity and education. “Is this person truthful, clean, friendly?”

Commitment – A person who is willing to invest his/her time, energy, and other resources along with vows to serve, love and honor is demonstrating commitment.  You can examine how a potential spouse may be committed in other areas: his/her parental, religious or social duties as well as commitment to self-improvement or personal growth.

Chemistry, character and commitment are three smooth stones that can defeat the Goliath of apprehension and uncertainty about whether or not you should proceed to develop a relationship with another individual.

Taken together, these three factors, should determine whether or not you move forward to develop a relationship.  Chemistry, without the added factors of character and commitment is not enough to produce a healthy, satisfying marriage or relationship.   And, character without chemistry and commitment is not sufficient.  Once you make the choice to proceed, then the sequential, developmental relationship steps described in our November 2008 newsletter, should be followed to arrive at a healthy, enduring relationship.

Dear Relationship Coach,

We are on the verge of divorce.  My husband and I have been married for almost five years and our marriage has been filled with words and actions that I find it hard to forgive.  My family and some friends will be very disappointed but I can’t get out of my mind and heart some of the hurtful things he has done over the past five years.  Now, it appears that he wants to change and be really committed to the marriage but I am not at all sure I can forgive him for the infidelity, the lies and the lack of support.  We have two children, both from previous marriages.  What do you suggest?
Bitter in Illinois

Dear Bitter,
Thank you for an honest letter and for sharing your pain.  You don’t mention physical abuse, so I will assume there has been none.  You mention the word forgive twice and this indicates that this is precisely what you need to do, with or without a divorce, for your own growth.  Forgiveness is a process however, and a choice that an individual makes when he or she is ready to be really healthy.  It has little to do with the other person!    Many, many people are walking around with spiritual or emotional wounds because they have not forgiven others.  Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept abuse, nor does it even mean that you must remain in the proximity of someone who has offended you.  For detailed information on the Forgiveness process, you can order our workshop:  Journey of Forgiveness:  Healing Yourself and Others for $5 (the written workshop) or $10 (CD plus the written workshop, complete, includes worksheet and detailed analysis of Forgiveness) from Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute, 3320 Beechwood Avenue, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118.
Prices include shipping and handling.   Or order directly online by going to the link on this website: DZFI store .

If your husband is willing, we suggest that you seek out skilled relationship education or counseling.  Now more than ever, you can find trained concerned marriage/family educators or marriage/family therapists who can assist you both to heal and develop healthier relationship skills.  (See our website www.dzfi.org for marriage educators or www.smartmarriages.com which lists hundreds of services) Infidelity alone, while extremely devastating and painful, does not mean that a marriage cannot survive and eventually thrive. With time, patience, forgiveness and getting improved relationship skills, there is hope for a healthy marriage even after infidelity.  For further help see www.DearPeggy.com, a website of the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN).  BAN is a network of local support groups for men and women who are dealing with the devastating impact of a spouse’s affair.